


(I don't want to) but I still love you

by Moonie_mars



Series: Love me not [2]
Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad Soobin, Unrequited Love, concerned Kai, concerned Taehyun, mature Taehyun, oblivious kai, protective Taehyun, supportive Taehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 15:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18594241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonie_mars/pseuds/Moonie_mars
Summary: The downfall of his fantasy worldSoobin coping with all the consequences  of his unrequited love( I recommend you read the first one, but you can read this alone)





	(I don't want to) but I still love you

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this, it was planned, it wasn't supposed to happen, but I'm on writers block, and well, thi seemed better than trying to resolve my life so, enjoy

“maybe they weren’t meant for you at all” the words played inside his head over and over, screaming, whispering, saying, telling him over and over again the truth he had to face day by day, he didn’t want to listen to it anymore. He wanted to drown it, to let the silence take over his ears, to let the hurt seep deeper within his bones, only if it meant the voice would stop.

It didn’t go away, it came back, day after day, night after night, when he cried. Stifling his sons with his hands or clothes, when he had to pretend it didn’t hurt, when he saw them together, smiling, kissing each other, being happy, it seemed like the more he suffered the happier they became, “it is temporary” he would say, the same words repeating themselves in his head mixing with the bitter truth he didn’t want to face.

It had to be temporary, in the end he had no choice to make, it wasn’t in his hands to change the situation, the world had just given him feelings and put him between two people who truly loved each other, maybe the amount he loved the younger was just part of the overflowing love they seemed to have for each other, maybe they loved each other so much the love couldn’t fit inside their souls and had ended in his, making him. Long for someone he would never have.

It didn’t being any sort of reassurance, even when he tried to just throw his feelings aside and be happy for them, he couldn’t, the smiled and the kisses and the marks he had seen the younger cover up and try to hide; Kai was happy, the black haired boy was practically glowing with the love he had, but Soobin couldn’t enjoy it, he couldn’t see the smile knowing it wasn’t him behind it, he just couldn’t.

He cursed himself for it, “selfish” the voices would scream “SELFISHSELFISHSELFISHSELFISH” he could hear them screaming, ragging like a storm inside his head, inside his heart, hurting and taking away his breath, his happiness, his will to live. He was selfish, because he couldn’t be happy for the boy he loved, he could be happy because it wasn’t he who held him at night, selfish, because he was happy, Kai was happy and enjoying life with a person he loved, and Soobin could only glare and feel jealousy burning, traveling inside his body whispering unholy things to his ears.  
He was angry, angry at himself, for being a coward, angry at his hyung, for loving Kai, for taking the love of Kai away, angry at the world who just seemed to mock him over and over, and it didn’t stop, no he had the world chaining him to his problems, almost like tying him to a chair opening his eyes forcefully to see the movie of his suffering playing over and over.  
It was sick.

 

-

 

Sadness

 

Sadness came after, like rain after a bad day, pouring from the sky, clear and cold, drowning, suffocating, glooming. It was like the calm after a storm, it wasn’t safe, it wasn’t easy, yet after everything you lost before it seemed like it was safe, like it was easy. Because you could sit down and contemplate all the pieces of the things that had crumbled under your feet, see the dead and the loss, and you were tired.

Tired, because being angry had taken so much of you, from your soul to you energy, it was exhausting, so sadness came to claim him, it came softly, with cold hands, and clouds full of tears, it gave him a way out, a false sense of coping m, of becoming better, and sadness was there to stay, smiling down at you with blue eyes, with soft hands, almost like a mother.

It came for you, carrying you around, hiding you from the world, and Soobin chose to stay, chose to lock the door behind him and toss the key to the ground, he chose to let it consume him, to let it let him cry. 

Because sadness didn’t judge, sadness didn’t ask questions like anger did, sadness just let him drown in darkness when thing became worse, sadness embraced him and he just closed his eyes and accepted it.

 

-

 

“hyung you don’t look so good” Soobin blinked the fuzzy Ness in his eyesight away, the world around him coming to focus, he winced at it, reality wasn’t a thing he wanted to see anymore than he did, but Taehyun seemed worried, the younger was looking at him with his big eyes full of concern, and it mad the older wince again.

Sadness had to be worn on his skin, if he wanted the coolness of its darkness to forget. “ah don’t worry about hyung Taehyun-ah” Soobin said, cringing at his own voice, when was the last time he actually spoke to someone? Soobin smiled, that kind of gesture that came worryingly effortless to him in those days “I’m fine” he said and Taehyun nodded, because he knew that tone, he knew that look, that smile.

Soobin wasn’t about to tell him what was actually wrong, no; and if he pushed hard enough he would only get the other to snap at him or something worse, so Taehyun nodded, knowing with a heavy heart, he was powerless in this situation.

“but he’s right” the melodic voice broke the sheet of fragile lies, both of them turned to Huening Kai, who was frowning, a penguin plushie pressed to his chest, the one Yeonjun had given him on one of their dates, the one that had replaced the corgi plushie Beomgyu had given him before “you haven’t been resting even if you have been sleeping more than usual” said Huening sounding more and more concerned with the older “and you rejected food the other day” Huening pressed and Soobin was quick to fire back “its just diet” he tried to say but the younger wasn’t having it at all “hyung, you never reject food, never, you stopped eating” Kai added coming closer to the pair “it isn’t healthy anymore” Kai sounded like a wounded animal, and some thing sparked inside Soobin, dark and hot and wanting to hurt.

How dare he, how dare he come and throw all of what was happening to him on his face and then sound hurt, as if he was tee one who was hurting, as if he wasn’t just consuming Soobins heart everyday by giving someone else the love he desperately wanted. It made the monster inside his heart want to lash out, to hurt him just as much as he was hurting him, Taehyuns warm had on his arm stopped him from actually doing something like that.

The atmosphere had turned so tense, the anger painting Soobins features wasn’t understandable for the youngest, but trust Taehyun to catch up on things fairly quickly “Soobin hyung has just been working harder” Taehyung said looking pointedly at the taller male, Soobin had to bite his own tongue, knowing he was far too emotional to actually function with reason “he’s been overworking himself this past few weeks” continued Taehyun now looking at the maknae.  
Kai seemed to trust their most mature member, his eyes just drowning in concern even more, but understanding “well it’s not healthy anymore hyung” Kai said quickly to reprimand the older, just like he would with his own boyfriend, knowing Yeonjun had a thing for hurrying himself in work “ you always give your best and its enough for all of us” Kai said “you don’t have to keep trying to be better when you’re already perfect”

The words were spoken with such fondness it made something in Soobin break just a little more. Perfect, Kai had called him perfect, yet he wasn’t enough in the only way that mattered in that moment, it was painfully ironic in his eyes. Yet he nodded, giving a half assed excuse and some words on how he was going to take care of himself better, it was enough for the younger to smile at him again, and Taehyun told him to go for something on another room.

As soon as the maknae was out of sight, tears soon made their ways over and down Soobins cheeks, he turned away from the brunette, whipping away stray tears and blinking rapidly, trying to will the sorrow away momentarily “when are you planning on telling him?” the question was expected, but wasn’t welcomed any better either way “ there’s nothing to tell Taehyun” said Soobin, anger swimming inside his blood “don’t bullshit me hyung” answered Taehyun looking directly at the talkers eyes, it was one of those moments the second maknae made him feel like he was the younger instead of the other.

The truth that carried Taehyun was harsh and bright for the sadness inside him “you have been crying chance you’ve had for the last week’s when you think nobodies watching” Taehyung seethed “you have in fact stopped eating even when the makeup noonas had told you, you didn’t have to loose weight anymore” he continued looking directly at Soobins eyes “don’t you think I haven’t noticed how your face crumbles just a little bit when Kai and Yeonjun are affectionate in front of us?” he asked, words so firm and cold Soobin would’ve preferred the younger to slap him “I don’t want to get involved because it isn’t my business, but we can’t just let you waste away for something like this”

The words made Soobin cling to his anger just a little more, the voices telling him the younger was right, it wasn’t his business at all, so why was he telling him all of this? “I’m not a fucking kid okay” the harshness in his voice didn’t make Taehyun step back “ I know, I know I can’t just mop around anymore, but I can’t just shove my fucking feelings away so I can actually function” Soobin hissed, not wanting to raise his voice in case Kai was close still

“ I can’t just pretend it doesn’t hurt seeing him with Yeonjun all the time knowing he would never love me back” at this sadness had come, making rivers of tears come back again, Soobin tried to keep on talking, but a sob broke out stealing his air, tear blurring his sight. 

The next thing he knew Taehyun was hugging him, both of them on the couch, just one of them crying “I can't just pretend I don’t love him anymore” he cried, over and over again, Taehyun holding him close, a frown on his face, knowing there was nothing he could actually do to help.

Both of them oblivious to the younger boy just outside of the room, listening to everything they had said.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes, please tell me what you thought, constructive criticism is always welcomed
> 
> Tell me if I broke your heart again


End file.
